If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
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My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
opening twitter today
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM