Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
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Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Wikigenius
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!