Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
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As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.