You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
You Might Also Like
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids