Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
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When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.