vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
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My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it