If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
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Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?