[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
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The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops