Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
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Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Taliband
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
me: my friends:
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus