a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
You Might Also Like
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Still a very good boi….
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0