If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
You Might Also Like
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Finally, a door that understands me
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail