[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
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Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
“What?”
– Jude
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”