Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
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Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
huge if true: the moon