Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
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i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
I feel it
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
hmm conte-me mais
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
happy valentine’s day to me
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?