I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
car not found
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
marvel comics have peaked
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it