Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
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The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I only eat vegetarians.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman