Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
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There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”