Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
You Might Also Like
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
I need better friends
Seems legit
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.