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[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
no one ever comes back
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.