Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
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cry laughing at this shit
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake