me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
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So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Smooooooth
welp
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.