My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
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#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK