Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
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I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
this is uni
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head