Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.