asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”