My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
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ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Autocarrot sucks!
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
the battle rages on
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”