[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
You Might Also Like
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”