I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
i love modern commerce
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.