This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
You Might Also Like
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name