*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head