When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
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Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Hitlers gonna hitl
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.