Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
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when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
*orders delivery*
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”