I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?