I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
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One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.