Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
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Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it