The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
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#Caturday
The news in a nutshell.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt