If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
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Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Does beer think about me too?
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up