Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
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Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Good advice.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?