I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
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welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.