Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
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Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.