Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
oh u like geography? name every lake
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
Warm pools make me nervous.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.