sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
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Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
[the middle of showering] I need a break
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?