Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
You Might Also Like
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
This is always good for a laugh.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.