When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
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I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.