I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
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It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
He wanted to make sure😂
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I would like even faster food.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Story of my life…..
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I can’t be the only one 😂
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace