You’ll be OK
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Nose
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.