I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
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For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Shoo shoo! 😂