Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.