Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
I didn’t realize that was an option
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste