Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
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massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Merry Christmas
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager